By Chip Byteley
In an unprecedented move that has stunned environmentalists and monopolists alike, Jeff Bezos, the former Amazon CEO known for acquiring everything from Whole Foods to MGM, has now checked out with his most ambitious purchase yet: the Atlantic Ocean.
“Who needs a yacht when you can buy the ocean?” Bezos reportedly quipped at a press conference, his eyes twinkling like the reflection of sunlight on his new aquatic property. The deal, brokered through a series of complex negotiations involving maritime lawyers, several confused marine biologists, and a bewildered UN maritime official, marks the first time a major body of water has been privatized.
Under the terms of the purchase, Bezos plans to rename it the “Prime Ocean” and will offer exclusive fishing rights and prime shipping lanes to Amazon Prime members. Critics have raised concerns about the environmental impact and potential for increased piracy under what Twitter users have already begun to call “#BezosBuccaneers.”
The acquisition has led to an uproar among international leaders, with one European diplomat anonymously commenting, “What’s next, buying the moon?” In response, Bezos has not denied rumors of negotiating with lunar real estate agents.
In a related development, the Atlantic Ocean’s new terms of service require all dolphins, whales, and migratory birds to register for Amazon Prime accounts, causing a significant uptick in underwater Echo sales. Meanwhile, maritime laws will be enforced by Alexa-enabled drones, patrolling for unlicensed fishers and rogue waves.
Environmental groups are gearing up for a battle, vowing to protect the Atlantic from becoming a “warehouse with waves.” However, Bezos remains optimistic, stating, “Every empire starts with a single splash.”
As world leaders convene to discuss the implications of this sale, one thing is clear: when it comes to Jeff Bezos’s ambitions, not even the sky—or the sea—is the limit.
Polly Tickle