Democrats Hope To Turn Tide on Border Security by Literally Doing Nothing

In a move so bewildering that it’s left political commentators gazing at their navels in wonder, the Democratic Party has launched what can only be described as a groundbreaking laziness initiative, humorously dubbed “Operation Standstill.” This audacious move places a bet not on solving border security challenges with practical measures, but rather through a grand spectacle of inactivity. “It’s an avant-garde movement,” quipped one strategist. “While everyone runs around playing superhero, we’re going to win just by sitting still.”

At the core of Operation Standstill lies a daring philosophy: the bold assumption that by doing absolutely nothing, issues will sort themselves out, or better yet, disappear into the abyss of forgetfulness. Described in a voluminous 500-page manifesto, of which 495 pages are just serene white space inviting one to contemplate the void, the plan meticulously details how not to enact any policies, not to deploy any resources, and most crucially, how to stay out of any argument. Instead, Democrats have planned a series of Zen retreats focusing on the existential questions of borders, barriers, and why everyone needs a good nap.

Public response to this announcement was as mixed as a cocktail at a prohibition party. Some have lauded the immense courage it takes to boldly do nothing amid a storm of reproach, whereas others are scratching their heads, murmuring about their expectation for solutions that are, well, real. “Innovation is great and all,” one befuddled citizen exclaimed, “but shouldn’t there be something? Anything?”

The punditry, meanwhile, remains as split as a banana in a sundae. Some are stroking their chins, musing that this could be a genius way to usher in a new era of thoughtful, slow-cooked political discourse, ripe for bipartisan nibbling. Others see it as a misguided comedy of errors, perhaps a prolonged April Fool’s prank that forgot to say “just kidding.”

As election storms gather on the horizon, the Democratic Party clings to its pledge of resolute non-action. Whether this strategy will dazzle the voters with its audacious unobtrusiveness or tumble down like a poorly-played game of Jenga, only time will tell. But one thing is certain: Operation Standstill has indeed achieved success in one critical area—having us all debate the profound art of doing sweet nothing.