By Chip Byteley
In what can only be described as a snackable revelation, sources close to former President Donald Trump have disclosed the true secret behind his notoriously vibrant facial hue: a fine coating of Cheesy Doritos dust. This groundbreaking culinary cosmetic technique reportedly originated not from a tanning salon, but from a snack drawer in Trump Tower.
“Everyone thought it was high-end spray tans or some special dermatological treatment,” confided an unnamed source, who spoke on condition of anonymity and a lifetime supply of Doritos. “But really, he just really loves his Doritos. One day, he saw himself in the mirror after a binge and thought, ‘This could work.'”
Insiders revealed that Trump’s affinity for the cheesy snack was what led to his unique orange complexion, which has puzzled and mesmerized political commentators and dermatologists alike. “It’s not just any Doritos,” clarified the source. “It has to be the Nacho Cheese flavor. He tried Cool Ranch once, but it didn’t give him that warm, radioactive glow he’s so fond of.”
The revelation has sent shockwaves through the snack and cosmetic industries, with Doritos experiencing a sharp increase in sales as fans rush to emulate what they’re calling the “Presidential Glow.” Cosmetic companies are reportedly scrambling to capture the market with their own line of snack-based make-up products.
Political opponents have been quick to seize on the revelation, with one senator joking, “Now we know the presidency was all about the munchies.” Meanwhile, supporters have rallied around Trump, praising his innovative approach to personal grooming. “He’s a man of the people,” said one supporter at a recent rally, munching on a bag of Doritos. “If he can turn a snack into a style, imagine what he can do for the country.”
The former President himself has embraced the revelation with his typical bravado. “People love it. They love the look. They love Doritos. It’s a win-win,” Trump declared at a press conference, his face aglow under the fluorescent lights. “It’s time we bring America back to its snack-loving roots. Make America Crunch Again!”
As the news spreads, political analysts are debating whether this cheesy development will affect Trump’s legacy. Meanwhile, dermatologists are cautioning against the use of snack foods as cosmetic products, citing potential skin hazards. But for now, the nation is left to ponder the implications of a leader whose policy might just be as orange and dusted as his face.
Polly Tickle