By Polly Tickle
In a striking display of diplomatic dexterity, Israel’s approach to ceasefire negotiations could best be described as “Agree in Principle, Decline in Practice,” a strategy that has baffled peacekeepers and enraged bingo players everywhere. The tactic ensures every box on the peace negotiation bingo card can be checked, yet no actual game wins are declared.
As international mediators gathered, hopeful and eager with their freshly printed peace agreements, Israeli officials nodded sagely, agreed vehemently, and praised the virtues of peace—all while their fingers were firmly crossed behind their backs. This approach allowed them to win praise for their cooperative spirit without the pesky follow-through of actual cooperation.
“The thing about ceasefires,” explained one Israeli official, “is that they are wonderful in theory. In practice? Well, let’s just say we prefer to keep our options open. And by open, we mean our artillery.”
As soon as the ink began to dry on proposed ceasefire agreements, unexpected hurdles would suddenly emerge. These ranged from sudden, inexplicable escalations on the ground to urgent, last-minute readings of ancient texts suggesting that this might not be an auspicious month for peace after all.
Critics have accused Israel of treating ceasefire agreements like gym memberships: something to enthusiastically sign up for at the start of the year, only to be ignored thereafter. “We’re committed to the idea of peace, much like I’m committed to my New Year’s resolution of going to the gym,” confided an Israeli diplomat. “But let’s be honest, no one really expects me to show up.”
Meanwhile, the international community has continued to express frustration. “We’re thinking of moving from draft agreements to draft hints,” sighed a U.N. mediator. “Maybe if we make it less formal, they’ll accidentally agree to peace.”
On the home front, Israeli citizens are also growing weary. “I’ve attended so many ‘peace celebration’ parties that never actually happened, I’m considering switching to less disappointing events—like rain dances in the desert,” shared a Tel Aviv resident.
In this endless cycle of agree-then-avoid, the real losers are, unsurprisingly, the people on the ground. As they navigate their daily lives amidst the sounds of “ceasefires” that sound suspiciously like gunfire, their hope for peace remains as elusive as ever.
As for the next steps? Israel assures the world that it’s very much committed to peace—just as soon as a few more details are ironed out. And by details, they mean continuing to agree in principle, as long as no one expects them to decline in practice.
Chip Byteley