By Polly Tickle
In a shocking turn of events, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene was embroiled in a scandal that sounds more like the plot of a rejected horror movie than a political strategy. Documents and anonymous sources have revealed that in an attempt to boost her lagging popularity, Greene purportedly planned to offer “a sacrifice of great personal value” to alleged Elder Gods in exchange for improved poll numbers. The intended sacrifice was reportedly her unsuspecting intern, referred to only as Jane Doe.
The scandal came to light when a whistleblower courageously forwarded incriminating emails to major media outlets. These communications outlined Greene’s bizarre strategy, which she referred to as “a time-honored tradition that guarantees political longevity.” The emails not only detailed arcane rituals but also promised a surge in approval ratings, optimistically projecting an increase of “at least 10-15%” and aspiring to reach the “coveted moderately favorable range.”
The revelation has prompted reactions ranging from outright horror to sheer disbelief, sparking widespread debate regarding Greene’s mental health and suitability for holding office. Political analysts have condemned the strategy as unprecedented, with one stating, “Politicians typically resort to kissing babies or promising tax cuts, but this approach of pandering to otherworldly entities is utterly beyond the pale.”
The legal stance on Greene’s alleged plans is unclear, as there is no existing law that directly addresses the issue of offering human sacrifices to mythical beings for political gain. However, advocacy groups are taking a stand, pushing for new legislation that would prevent what they have termed “supernatural exploitation.” This would ensure the protection not only of interns but also of other vulnerable staff members.
Despite the severe nature of the allegations, Representative Greene has brushed off the accusations, labeling them as “fake news created by opponents terrified of innovative strategies.” As the investigation gains momentum and public outcry grows, the future of this political saga remains uncertain, leaving many to wonder just how this bizarre story will end.