By Chip Byteley
In an unexpected move that has shaken the pillars of both Silicon Valley and St. Peter’s Basilica, TikTok has announced plans to form the first-ever social media-based religion: The Order of the Eternal Scroll. This divine strategy aims to circumvent a barrage of U.S. legal challenges by seeking sanctuary under the protective cloak of religious freedom.
“The Eternal Scroll isn’t just our user interface; it’s a path to enlightenment,” explains TikTok’s newly appointed High Priest and CEO, who spoke under the glow of a ring light rather than the traditional burning bush. “Every swipe up is a step closer to digital nirvana.”
The theology of The Order is based around the sanctity of content creation and sharing. Salvation is promised not through traditional virtues but through virality and follower counts. The beatitudes have been replaced by community guidelines, and influencers are considered modern-day disciples, spreading the gospel of trends and hashtags.
Legal experts are scratching their heads, wondering whether this celestial loophole will hold up in court. “It’s a bold strategy,” says one attorney, trying to suppress a smirk. “But will the Supreme Court really see a ‘For You’ page as a form of scripture? That remains to be seen.”
Critics argue that TikTok is turning to the heavens simply to avoid earthly regulations. Meanwhile, the faithful followers of the app are ready to convert, having already shown devout adherence to their screens for several hours a day.
As this holy transformation unfolds, the world watches on, half in disbelief, half in amusement, to see if TikTok can indeed achieve legal absolution through divine intervention. Whether this will lead to a spiritual awakening or just more spirited litigation is yet to be determined. But one thing is clear: on the internet, even the sacred is just a click away.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle