U.S. Surprised at Israel’s Long-Announced Rafah Offensive, Pauses Arms At Last

In a stunning turn of events that could only surprise a Rip Van Winkle or a remarkably uninformed mole, the United States government has finally decided to pause arms shipments to Israel. This decision came shortly after tanks rolled into Rafah, marking the start of an offensive that Israel had been loudly announcing every week for the past eight months like it was on the marquee of a Broadway show.

“Frankly, we were shocked,” stated an unnamed U.S. official, who seemed to have just awoken from a lengthy nap. “You mean they were serious about that?” he asked, apparently unaware that international diplomacy usually involves paying attention to what other countries say they are going to do.

The pause in arms shipments is said to have been triggered not by the months of announcements, nor the detailed press releases from the Israeli government, nor even the large neon signs pointing towards Rafah saying “Offensive starts here!” No, it was only when American satellites, which had been temporarily repurposed to find the best taco trucks, accidentally noticed tanks crossing into Rafah.

Across the United States, responses ranged from disbelief to indifference. “I thought Rafah was a new gluten-free snack bar,” commented one particularly uninformed congressman, highlighting the level of expertise currently shaping U.S. foreign policy.

Meanwhile, defense contractors were seen furiously recalibrating their projections and sobbing into their piles of money, devastated by the temporary halt. “We had just finished a new batch of ‘Bombs of Brotherhood’ and ‘Missiles of Peace’,” cried one CEO, mourning the loss of an opportunity to test their new product line.

In the meantime, officials scramble to address this unexpected turn of events, with plans to send a strongly worded memo to Israel, likely to arrive just in time for the next scheduled offensive in 2025. The memo’s current draft simply reads, “Pretty please, with sugar on top, let us know next time,” demonstrating a grasp of international tensions akin to that of a confused panda.

As the world watches this geopolitical sitcom unfold, many are left wondering whether next time, the U.S. will manage to be only moderately surprised by exactly what they were told would happen. Until then, Rafah remains not only a place on the map but a stark reminder of the perils of ignoring the obvious.