By Chip Byteley
In an ambitious new mission that blends the final frontier with online shopping, NASA has announced its plans to search for a parallel universe where Amazon Prime Day does not exist. The mission, dubbed “Operation Endless Cart,” aims to explore the cosmos for a realm free from the relentless barrage of deals, discounts, and the existential dread of missing out on a slightly cheaper electric toothbrush.
“Humanity has long pondered what mysteries lie beyond our universe,” stated NASA’s lead astrophysicist, Dr. Luna Bargainhunter. “We seek a place where time is not measured by sales cycles, and where individuals can live free from the tyranny of two-day shipping.”
The mission was conceived following years of research into the space-time continuum and consumer spending habits. Scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory have developed the “SaleScope,” a new telescope capable of detecting universes with lower levels of consumer anxiety and untouched by the phenomenon of flash sales.
Critics of the mission have questioned the allocation of resources, arguing that the funds could be better spent addressing issues within our own universe. However, supporters argue that the quest could unlock the secrets to a more peaceful existence. “Imagine a world where no one knows what a Lightning Deal is,” pondered Dr. Bargainhunter, “a place where people communicate without referencing their recent purchases. That’s the universe we’re searching for.”
The mission has also piqued the interest of philosophers and theologians, sparking debates on the nature of consumerism and its impact on the human condition. “If a sale happens in a universe where no one is around to buy, is it really a discount?” asked one leading philosopher, highlighting the existential quandary at the heart of NASA’s mission.
In preparation for launch, NASA has issued a call for volunteers willing to venture into this unknown realm. Ideal candidates are described as individuals who have never felt the rush of adding an item to their cart mere seconds before a sale ends. The selection process is expected to be highly competitive, with millions already claiming to possess the necessary detachment from material desires.
As “Operation Endless Cart” gears up for its journey into the unknown, the world watches with bated breath, eager to discover if there truly is a place beyond the reach of Prime Day’s siren call. Whether or not NASA finds this consumerism-free utopia, the mission promises to offer new perspectives on our own world’s obsession with deals, and perhaps, inspire a reevaluation of what truly matters in the vast expanse of the universe.
Polly Tickle