By Chip Byteley
In a groundbreaking discovery sure to send the medical community reeling, a new study has determined that 100% of humans exhibit a dangerous, lifelong addiction to breathing. Attempts to break this dependency, even for short periods, result in what researchers term “an unfortunate cessation of vital signs.”
“The findings are alarming,” says Dr. Gale Windsack, lead researcher on the project, her face pale (likely from momentary oxygen deprivation). “Every human we tested displayed classic symptoms: compulsive air inhalation, elevated heart rate upon exertion, even panicked gasping at the mere thought of cessation.”
The study has sparked a worldwide debate on how to address this insidious public health crisis. “We need a 12-step program, but for nostrils,” insists rehab specialist Barb Tarbox. “Breathing patches, support groups…we must explore all options.”
Naturally, some air-dependent subjects are in denial. “It’s natural! Everyone does it!” sputters a red-faced man mid-jog, before pausing to wheeze dramatically. Conspiracy theorists are also weighing in, with one YouTube video titled “Big Oxygen’s Lies EXPOSED!” amassing a worrying number of views.
But, the scientific community is unswayed. The study cites irrefutable evidence: infants demanding their first hit of sweet oxygen, the involuntary gasp for air, even the popularity of yoga and its focus on “conscious breathing.”
“The warning signs were always there,” sighs Dr. Windsack. “We just didn’t want to see them.”
Researchers warn this dependency only grows stronger with age. Elderly subjects exhibited near-constant air-cravings, with some resorting to supplemental canisters for extra support.
As for a cure? Sadly, the prognosis isn’t good. Scientists are experimenting with less addictive atmospheric compositions (pure nitrogen, perhaps?), but trials have been hampered by test subjects stubbornly expiring before any meaningful data can be collected.
One thing’s for certain: this study has turned our understanding of the human condition on its head. If breathing is an addiction, then are we truly in control of our own lives? Are we all just one deep exhale away from spiraling into withdrawal?
Until a cure is found, the best advice is simply to try to moderate your intake and savor each sweet, life-giving breath… at least, for as long as your lungs allow.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle