By Polly Tickle
In a stunning announcement that has left both the political and music worlds reeling, President Joe Biden has declared his intention to drop out of the 2024 presidential race to pursue a career in mumble rap. The 81-year-old politician, now rebranded as “Lil Joe,” revealed his plans to release a debut album titled *Mumble in Chief*, which will feature tracks such as “Filibusta Rhymes,” “State of the Uni-babble,” and “Gaffe God Flow.”
Speaking from the White House, Biden explained his decision in a characteristically garbled yet somehow endearing statement: “Look, folks, my whole career has been about, you know, connecting with the people. And after, uh, several, you know, gaffes and mix-ups, it hit me—mumble rap is just perfect for me. I mean, I’ve been doing it unintentionally for years. It’s time to lean in.”
Biden’s unexpected career shift has been met with a mix of amusement and bewilderment. Political commentators are scratching their heads, while music critics are cautiously optimistic about what Lil Joe might bring to the genre. White House insiders report that Biden has been quietly honing his mumble rap skills during down times, much to the amusement of staffers.
The Democratic National Committee is now in a mad scramble to find a suitable replacement candidate. Vice President Kamala Harris, who was reportedly considering a cooking show called “Kamala’s Kitchen,” has been thrust into the spotlight as a potential frontrunner. Meanwhile, Biden’s first single, “Executive Orders & 808s,” is set to drop next week. Early leaks suggest it features a bass-heavy beat and lyrics that are as incomprehensible as they are catchy. In the chorus, Biden mumbles, “Policy, apology, can’t you see, I’m the G,” followed by a surprisingly melodic hook.
In an interview with Rolling Stone, Biden elaborated on his newfound passion: “You know, back in Scranton, we had a saying: If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. And if you can’t speak clearly, mumble your way to the top. That’s what I plan to do. My presidency was just the prelude. Now, it’s time to drop the mic.”
Social media has predictably exploded with reactions, with hashtags like #LilJoe2024 and #MumbleInChief trending worldwide. Some fans are even suggesting a collaboration between Biden and former President Barack Obama, who they’ve dubbed “DJ Prez.” As America braces for what is sure to be a historic shift in both politics and music, one thing is certain: Joe Biden’s departure from the race has already cemented his legacy as the most unconventional president in modern history. Whether his mumble rap career will be a hit or just another footnote in the annals of political absurdity remains to be seen. But if Biden has taught us anything, it’s that you can never predict what’s next.
Chip Byteley
[…] this week, Biden dropped out of the race to focus on his newfound mumble rap career, leaving the GOP scrambling to justify their previous rhetoric against his age. Biden, rebranded as […]