By Liv N. Large
In a surprising turn of events, athletes competing in the upcoming Paris Olympics have voiced their concerns about the city’s air quality, claiming it’s worse than the side effects of performance-enhancing drugs.
Elite runners, cyclists, and swimmers, who are no strangers to pushing their bodies to the limits, are reportedly struggling to adjust to the smog-filled Parisian atmosphere. “I’ve been on everything from EPO to anabolic steroids,” confessed an anonymous sprinter. “But this air? It’s on another level.”
The city, known for its romantic ambiance and iconic landmarks, is quickly gaining a new reputation: the place where athletes’ lungs go to suffer. Paris officials have tried to assure competitors that the air quality will improve, citing upcoming measures to reduce pollution. However, their promises have been met with skepticism.
“Remember when they promised the Seine would be clean enough for swimming?” asked a jaded triathlete. “We’re still waiting on that one.”
The IOC has been caught off-guard by the backlash. “We never expected to have a problem worse than doping,” admitted one official. “At least with doping, you get some benefit before the side effects hit. This air quality just sucks from the get-go.”
Many athletes have started to develop innovative coping mechanisms. Some marathon runners have taken to wearing gas masks during their training sessions, while cyclists are considering portable oxygen tanks. Swimmers, on the other hand, are praying for strong winds to blow the smog away from the open water venues.
Team doctors are scrambling to find solutions. “We’re experimenting with a new regimen of antioxidants and lung-cleansing supplements,” said Dr. Mike Breather, head of the medical team for the U.S. track and field squad. “It’s either that or we start handing out inhalers like candy.”
Meanwhile, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) is watching the situation with a mix of amusement and concern. “We’ve always been strict about what goes into an athlete’s body,” a WADA representative commented. “But we never thought we’d have to worry about what they’re breathing.”
As the Olympics draw closer, athletes are left to wonder if they’ll be competing for medals or just trying to survive the air. “At this point, I’d take the side effects of doping over this smog any day,” quipped one seasoned marathoner. “At least then I’d be able to breathe.”
Paris officials remain optimistic, though. “We’re confident that by the time the Games start, the air quality will be much better,” said a spokesperson. “Or at the very least, we’ll have some really nice masks to hand out.”
Stay tuned for more updates on how the City of Light plans to clear the air before the world’s best athletes start dropping like flies.
Chip Byteley 
Polly Tickle