By Liv N. Large
In a groundbreaking yet wildly controversial medical revelation, Dr. Hans Van Der Snuffelen, a Dutch physician, has purportedly cured death using nothing more than paracetamol—a common painkiller that’s usually taken for headaches, muscle aches, and, apparently, the ultimate inconvenience of life itself.
The discovery, announced at a hastily organized press conference in Amsterdam, left the scientific community in utter disbelief. Dr. Van Der Snuffelen, who until recently was best known for his work on alleviating mild hangovers, described his eureka moment as “an accident, really.”
“It was a typical Thursday,” he explained. “A patient came in, recently deceased, with a complaint of, well, not much actually. But out of habit, I prescribed 500mg of paracetamol. To my astonishment, the patient immediately sat up and asked for a cup of coffee.”
The incident, which has since been dubbed “The Lazarus Dose,” has caused shockwaves in the medical community. Eminent scientists and doctors are furiously attempting to replicate Van Der Snuffelen’s findings, albeit with limited success. Some speculate that the “cure” only works in the Netherlands, possibly due to the specific atmospheric conditions or the patient’s inherent stoicism.
However, the implications of this discovery have sparked heated debates. Philosophers are now locked in discussions about the ethical ramifications of a deathless society. “What does it mean for life to have meaning if we no longer have a deadline?” mused Professor Willem Descartes, who is reportedly writing a 1,000-page thesis on the topic that nobody will finish reading.
Meanwhile, the world’s pharmaceutical giants are scrambling to patent this wonder cure, leading to a surge in paracetamol stocks. In a twist of irony, many corporations have begun launching wellness retreats promising to teach the recently revived how to deal with their newfound immortality, which apparently includes learning to cope with boredom, taxes, and endless reruns of old TV shows.
Not everyone is thrilled by the prospect of death being rendered obsolete, though. The Grim Reaper’s union has filed a formal complaint, stating that such medical advances are “a direct attack on the time-honored profession of soul-harvesting.” They are demanding an immediate ban on paracetamol or at least a collective bargaining agreement to ensure job security in this new era.
Dr. Van Der Snuffelen remains humble amid the chaos he has unleashed, though he’s already working on his next project: figuring out how to cure taxes.
Polly Tickle