Man Claims ‘No Time for Gym,’ Spends Most Days Stoned on His Couch

In an astonishing revelation, local man Todd Mitchell, 32, has declared he has “no time for the gym,” citing his demanding schedule of Netflix binges and recreational cannabis use as primary obstacles.

Mitchell, a self-proclaimed “fitness enthusiast at heart,” spends his days meticulously cultivating a perfect groove in his couch, which he lovingly refers to as “Cushion Canyon.” His dedication to this sedentary lifestyle is matched only by his commitment to sampling every strain of marijuana available within a five-mile radius of his apartment.

“It’s really a matter of priorities,” Mitchell explains between sips of his third Mountain Dew of the morning. “People think it’s easy to balance a life of consistent streaming and staying on top of the latest indica trends, but it’s a full-time job.”

Friends of Mitchell have noted his impressive ability to quote entire episodes of The Office verbatim and his deep, almost scholarly knowledge of snack combinations that maximize flavor while minimizing the need for physical movement. “Todd’s like a snack sommelier,” says his roommate, Kevin. “He pairs chips with dips in ways I didn’t even know were possible.”

Mitchell’s fitness regime involves sporadic attempts to lift his own body weight off the couch, often resulting in what he refers to as “accidental planking.” “I get a real burn in my abs when I try to reach the remote on the coffee table without getting up,” he boasts.

When asked about future fitness plans, Mitchell remains optimistic. “I’m thinking about getting one of those fitness apps,” he says, referring to the plethora of workout guides available at the touch of a screen. “But then I’d have to put down my phone, and that’s where I keep my snacks menu.”

Despite his lack of traditional exercise, Mitchell is convinced he’s on the cutting edge of a new fitness movement he calls “Couch Aerobics,” where the only requirement is a stable internet connection and a well-stocked pantry.

For now, Todd Mitchell continues to serve as an inspiration to those who find the prospect of gym memberships and outdoor activities far too strenuous. In his world, “No Pain, No Gain” has gracefully been replaced with “No Gym, No Problem.”