By Polly Tickle
In a development that seems both inevitable and absurd, the Supreme Court is reportedly poised to approve Elon Musk’s audacious bid to buy the United States outright. Musk, who currently co-leads Trump’s Department of Government Efficiency, pitched the idea as a way to streamline governance by replacing Congress with a subscription-based app called Democracy-as-a-Service. According to Musk, the proposal is not a hostile takeover but a necessary modernization of outdated systems. Speaking at a press conference, he described the United States as a “legacy product” that needs a software update, adding that he views the Constitution as a “glitchy terms of service agreement that no one reads anyway.”
Leaked plans reveal Musk’s vision to rebrand the country as Teslanation, introducing tiered citizenship models where basic rights like voting or healthcare are bundled into a premium subscription called Freedom Plus, priced at $99.99 per month. Critics have raised concerns, but Musk dismissed them, claiming that democracy is better served as a “scalable, user-friendly platform.”
The Supreme Court’s rumored endorsement has sparked outrage among legal scholars, though the draft opinion reportedly authored by Justice Neil Gorsuch argues that corporate ownership of a nation aligns with free-market principles. The opinion allegedly frames the proposal as a natural evolution of capitalism, suggesting that Musk’s leadership is the entrepreneurial spirit the Founding Fathers would have admired. Justice Alito is said to have likened the deal to clicking “Accept” on a software update, describing it as a modern interpretation of constitutional governance.
Public reaction has been predictably polarized. Supporters have hailed Musk as the savior of American innovation, applauding his plans to replace Congress with an algorithm dubbed CongressGPT and overhaul national infrastructure with a network of Hyperloop tunnels funded by Dogecoin tolls. Critics, however, are alarmed, accusing Musk of monopolizing democracy. Senator Bernie Sanders expressed dismay, stating that Musk’s actions are turning the country into a corporate experiment where citizens are customers first and patriots second.
If approved, the purchase is expected to introduce sweeping changes. National parks would be rebranded as Musk Reserves, Social Security would shift to a blockchain model, and the Pledge of Allegiance would be updated to include “one nation under SpaceX.” Musk has already teased a new national motto on social media: “Government? Nah, we’re just vibing.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire produced by The Crustian Daily, the leading source for news you can’t trust (but should).