By Chip Byteley
Get ready for the ultimate holiday survival tactic: a new start-up is cashing in on family dysfunction, offering a “Rent-a-Family” service for those with, shall we say, less-than-ideal relatives. Need a bubbly aunt to deflect awkward questions? A stoic grandpa to keep judgmental cousins in check? This company promises to provide the perfect fictional family for hire.
The idea is simultaneously audacious and a touch tragic. Imagine scrolling through carefully curated profiles of “family members,” selecting the perfect actors to play your dream relatives for the holidays. There’s “Enthusiastic Grandma Betty”, baking cookies and offering warm hugs. “Wise Uncle Dave” dispenses life advice and conveniently dodges questions about his mysterious career. Even the “Quirky Little Cousin” comes pre-programmed with a collection of age-appropriate, mildly embarrassing anecdotes.
The potential for awkwardness and hilarity is off the charts. Will the rented dad overact, embarrassing you with overly affectionate displays in front of your real relatives? Might the rented sister spill your childhood secrets to a room full of strangers? And what happens if someone develops a genuine crush on your hired family member, not realizing they’re only in town (and in character) for a few days?
However, for those who view holiday gatherings as something to survive rather than cherish, this service might be a lifeline. Instead of enduring tense political debates or passive-aggressive comments, they can enjoy a stress-free fantasy-family experience. Think of those picture-perfect holiday scenes from cheesy commercials, now available for the right price.
Of course, ethical questions abound. Is this the ultimate form of deception? Should family connections be forged through a paid service? Does paying someone to pretend to care about you simply add another layer of dysfunction to an already fraught situation?
Whether “Rent-a-Family” becomes a smash hit or falls flat remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it speaks to our complex relationship with the holidays. For some, family gatherings are a joyful tradition. For others, they’re a minefield best navigated with the help of a paid professional…or a very generous glass of wine to blur the edges of the fiction you’ve created.
Liv N. Large 
Polly Tickle