By Chip Byteley
Move over, celery juice and bone broth – there’s a new health craze sweeping the wellness world, and it requires nothing more than a sunny day and a questionable understanding of basic biology. That’s right, the latest diet trend is… photosynthesis.
“Why go through the hassle of eating when you can harness the power of the sun?” chirps Luna Leafsun, a self-proclaimed “Photosynthesis Guru” with a suspicious lack of medical credentials and a distinctly green tinge to her skin. “Humans are no different than plants; with focus and enough chlorophyll smoothies, we too can photosynthesize!”
The concept is simple (if scientifically dubious): Minimize food intake, maximize sunlight exposure, and voila! Your body magically transforms into a self-sustaining solar-powered machine. Adherents swear they feel lighter, have radiant skin, and save a truckload on groceries (although their rising houseplant fertilizer costs are conveniently overlooked).
Naturally, the medical community is less than thrilled about this blatant disregard for the human digestive system. “This is akin to claiming you can breathe through your ears,” scoffs Dr. Sanjay Sensible, a noted nutritionist sporting a T-shirt proclaiming “Calories Matter.” “Photosynthesis might provide a portion of a plant’s energy, but humans? It’s delusional and potentially dangerous!”
Yet, “Photosynthetic Diets” are popping up everywhere, complete with fasting regimes, sunlight meditation techniques, and promises of reaching “Peak Chlorophyll Capacity.” Celebrities are singing its praises, swearing their recent weight loss has nothing to do with private chefs and everything to do with strategically sunbathing in their mansions.
The trend has even hit the fashion world. “Sunlight-enhancing” mesh tops are flying off the shelves, as are alarmingly skimpy, strategically leaf-patterned bikinis. Sunscreen sales, however, are taking a nosedive as photosynthesis devotees insist that “sunburns are just your body’s way of maximizing solar absorption.”
Whether photosynthesis is the future of wellness or a recipe for mass malnutrition remains to be seen. But, if you see someone lying motionless in a park for hours on end, eyes closed, wearing a suspicious amount of leaf-print clothing…don’t assume they’re napping. They might just be revolutionizing the way we eat (or don’t).
Liv N. Large