Researchers Announce Breakthrough: Earth is Flat, But Only on Tuesdays

In a discovery that overturns centuries of physics and has cartographers desperately re-drawing their maps, a team of researchers has shocked the world with the announcement that, well, Earth is flat. But, there’s a catch… it only happens on Tuesdays.

“We’re still wrapping our heads around the data,” admits Dr. Amelia Earhard, whose name seems either incredibly ironic or oddly prescient given the circumstances. “Initially, we dismissed it as faulty equipment, but then, Tuesday rolled around… and, sure enough, the Earth went pancake-flat. By Wednesday, though, things were back to their old sphere-shaped selves.”

The implications are, quite literally, earth-shattering. Gravity behaves strangely on ‘Flat Tuesdays’, throwing physicists into a tizzy. Flights scheduled for Tuesdays are canceled as pilots grapple with bizarre navigational issues. Conspiracy theorists, meanwhile, are having a field day. (“See! I told you!” one particularly smug blogger types while floating slightly above his keyboard).

Society has been thrown into disarray. “Do we get Tuesdays off work?” asks one hopeful employee, envisioning an endless beach day on the now coast-less Earth. Meteorologists are baffled by the sudden lack of curvature in weather patterns. Existential philosophers ponder the true nature of reality when the ground beneath your feet can change shape at whim.

Governments are scrambling. The newly-formed “Department of Alternative Terrain” issues guidelines for safe living on Flat Tuesdays (tip #1: don’t stand near what used to be called ‘the edge’). New warning labels appear on everything from trampolines to stepladders.

Entrepreneurs, sensing an opportunity, pounce. “Flat Earth Footwear” flies off shelves, promising extra grippiness for those worrisome Tuesdays. Space tourism companies hastily pivot, offering Tuesday excursions for citizens eager to experience the unique phenomenon firsthand.

As for the scientists? Their research continues, frantically focused on the why and how of this bizarrely fluctuating planet. But until they find answers, one thing is certain: Tuesdays just got a whole lot weirder for everyone on Earth.