By Polly Tickle
Burnt Out and Bitter: Portuguese Politicians Seek Post-Election Counseling
After a particularly grueling election cycle marked by mudslinging, social media meltdowns, and promises broken as quickly as they were made, Portugal’s political parties are considering a novel approach to recovery: mandatory group therapy sessions.
Why Therapy Might Be the Answer
- Dysfunctional Dynamics: Let’s face it, Portuguese politics has become a hotbed of backstabbing, toxic alliances, and enough resentment to fuel a thousand passive-aggressive tweets. Group therapy could offer a safe space to air grievances and address the unhealthy patterns poisoning the political landscape.
- Post-Election Trauma: Losing an election is hard. Winning one can be stressful too. Add in sleepless nights and endless campaign rallies, and politicians are left psychologically battered. Therapy offers a non-judgmental space to decompress and unpack the emotional toll of the political arena.
- Communication Breakdown: Has a Portuguese politician ever said what they truly mean? Therapy could focus on developing more honest, less spin-filled communication between parties and their constituents.
What to Expect in these Sessions
- Trust Falls with Bitter Rivals: Will they catch each other, or is a metaphorical backstabbing inevitable?
- Role-Playing Exercises: “You be the angry constituent, and I’ll practice not rolling my eyes and muttering vague promises under my breath.”
- Journaling Prompts: “Dear Diary, Today I finally admitted my economic plan was made up on the spot during a live debate…”
- Relaxation Techniques: Deep breathing exercises to use during particularly frustrating parliamentary sessions.
Potential Challenges
- Confidentiality: Can you trust your therapist not to leak those juicy secrets about your rival’s fear of pigeons to the tabloids?
- Vulnerability: Politicians aren’t known for opening up emotionally. Tears in the therapy room might be mistaken for a sign of weakness by the opposition.
- Insurance Coverage: Does the Portuguese healthcare system cover “Chronic Exposure to Political Toxicity” as a diagnosis?
Satirical Twist: Therapists Themselves Need Therapy
After a few weeks of dealing with Portuguese politicians, even the most seasoned therapists might crack. News outlets report a spike in mental health professionals seeking their own counseling, creating an infinite loop of post-election therapeutic needs.
Portugal’s experiment in political therapy could be a groundbreaking step towards addressing deep-seated dysfunction. Or, it might provide enough material for future satirical articles to write themselves. Either way, the nation’s supply of psychologists is about to witness a significant uptick in demand.