By Polly Tickle
In an unprecedented twist that left the nation both amused and bewildered, Donald J. Trump has been elected President of the United States once again. Sporting his signature tangerine hue, which critics say resembles a generous coating of Cheeto dust, the flamboyant businessman-turned-politician has reclaimed the Oval Office.
Supporters cheered as Trump took the stage, his complexion glowing under the spotlights like a beacon of… something. “They said it couldn’t be done,” he exclaimed. “But here we are, making America great again, again!”
Political analysts are scrambling to make sense of the election results. Some suggest that voters were swayed by nostalgia, longing for the days of unpredictable tweets and off-the-cuff remarks. Others believe the electorate simply couldn’t resist the allure of a leader who stands out—visually speaking—in any crowd.
International reactions have been mixed. World leaders are reportedly adjusting their strategies, with some considering investing in sunglasses to handle future summits. “It’s hard to focus on policy when you’re distracted by that glow,” confessed one European diplomat.
Meanwhile, sales of orange makeup and self-tanners have skyrocketed as citizens attempt to emulate—or parody—their leader’s distinctive style. Costume shops are experiencing a shortage of wigs resembling Trump’s iconic hairstyle, with Halloween still months away.
Not everyone is celebrating, however. Opponents worry about a return to divisive politics and are organizing workshops on stress management and deep breathing exercises. Mental health professionals anticipate a surge in demand for their services, while comedians express gratitude for the endless material.
As the nation braces for another term under Trump’s flamboyant leadership, one thing is certain: the next four years promise to be anything but dull. Whether you’re thrilled or aghast, it’s time to buckle up—preferably with a snack in hand. After all, what’s more American than watching history unfold with a bag of Cheetos?