By Liv N. Large
With the holiday season fast approaching, local introvert Jenna Harper has begun her annual ritual of open-eye meditation, a technique she developed to prepare herself for the barrage of social interactions that Christmas inevitably brings. The meditation practice, which involves sitting quietly in a corner while pretending to be fully engaged with her surroundings, has become a crucial part of her survival strategy during the festive period.
The Art of Open-Eye Meditation
“I realized a few years ago that I needed a new way to cope with Christmas,” explained Harper. “It’s not that I don’t love my family—it’s just that I don’t want to talk to them, be hugged by them, or make eye contact for longer than three seconds. Open-eye meditation allows me to look like I’m present while mentally hiding under a blanket in a dark room.”
The technique is simple but effective. Jenna sits quietly in the most inconspicuous spot she can find, often choosing the corner of a room or a chair near the Christmas tree. With her eyes wide open and a pleasant half-smile plastered on her face, she appears engaged but is actually lost in a peaceful state of daydreaming about life in a remote cabin.
‘It’s Like Being There, But Not Really There’
The practice has become a staple of Harper’s holiday preparation, helping her maintain the illusion of participation without the dreaded effort of small talk. “When people see me sitting there, they assume I’m just listening intently,” she says. “In reality, I’m practicing deep breathing and mentally running through my favorite Netflix shows. It’s like being there, but not really there.”
Family members have noted that Jenna seems more “at peace” during Christmas gatherings, a significant improvement from the days when she would hide in the bathroom for hours. “She’s so calm now,” said her cousin, Emily, who hasn’t noticed that Jenna hasn’t spoken a word in three years. “It’s like she’s become really mindful or something.”
A Holiday Survival Guide for Introverts
Experts say that open-eye meditation is just one of many strategies introverts can use to navigate the holiday season. Other techniques include strategic petting of the family dog, which acts as a natural buffer from conversation, and the ‘I’ll Get More Ice’ escape plan, which involves frequent trips to the kitchen to “help out,” but really just offers a moment of solitude.
Dr. Paulina Quietman, a psychologist specializing in introvert behavior, praises the technique. “Open-eye meditation is a brilliant coping mechanism,” she says. “It allows introverts to maintain social appearances without sacrificing their mental well-being. It’s the perfect balance between hiding and being visible.”
The Ultimate Test: Christmas Dinner
Jenna admits that her meditation skills will face their greatest challenge at Christmas dinner, where the entire family gathers around the table for hours of forced cheer and questions like, “So, are you dating anyone?” and “How’s work going?”
“It’s the Super Bowl of social anxiety,” she jokes. “But I’m ready this year. I’ve been practicing my open-eye meditation daily. I can now stare blankly at a wall for a full 45 minutes without blinking.”
Her secret weapon is a technique she calls the ‘Holiday Mantra’, a silent, repetitive thought that keeps her grounded. “It’s just a simple phrase I repeat in my head whenever the conversation gets too intense,” she explains. “Usually, it’s something like, ‘This too shall pass,’ or, if it’s really bad, ‘They can’t make me answer if I’m chewing.’”
Family Reactions: Oblivious or Impressed?
Despite Jenna’s obvious withdrawal tactics, her family remains blissfully unaware. “She’s always been the quiet one,” her mother says proudly. “It’s lovely to see her so contemplative and mature. I think she’s become very zen.”
Jenna’s brother, however, is slightly more skeptical. “I don’t know if she’s zen or just really, really good at zoning out,” he remarked. “Last year, she stared at the Christmas tree for an hour and a half. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she was admiring the ornaments. But we don’t have any ornaments—they’re just painted-on lights.”
Jenna’s Final Thoughts: ‘I’ll Get Through This’
As the holiday season ramps up, Jenna remains optimistic about her coping strategies. “I’ve survived every Christmas so far, and I’ll survive this one too,” she says confidently. “If I can get through Grandma’s questions about when I’m having kids and Uncle Bob’s drunken political rants, then I can get through anything.”
For fellow introverts dreading the season, Jenna offers one piece of advice: “Find your corner, keep your eyes open, and breathe. Remember, it’s all just temporary.”
So this Christmas, if you see someone sitting serenely at the party, gazing off into the distance with a peaceful smile, don’t be fooled—they’re not pondering the meaning of the season. They’re meditating their way through it, one awkward silence at a time.
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire produced by the Crustian Daily. Any resemblance to real events or individuals is purely coincidental, and all opinions expressed are fictitious. Remember, it’s “News You Can’t Trust.”