By Polly Tickle
In a rare public statement, God has officially distanced Himself from the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine, declaring that neither side holds an exclusive divine endorsement. “Let me be clear,” God said during an unexpected celestial press conference. “I haven’t been involved in this dispute for thousands of years, and frankly, I’m tired of getting dragged into it.”
Clarifying the Record
The statement comes after decades—if not centuries—of both sides claiming divine justification for their actions. From settlers citing biblical passages to religious leaders invoking heavenly mandates, God has become an unwitting figurehead for territorial ambitions. “This is a case of people putting words in My mouth,” He explained. “For the record, the only land I ever promised was fertile enough to grow decent olives, and even then, it was more of a suggestion.”
Reaction From Both Side
Israel and Palestine responded to the divine disavowal with predictable outrage. Israeli officials claimed the statement was “misquoted” and argued that God’s words had been taken out of context. “We believe God is still fully behind our plans,” said one settler leader. “He just doesn’t want to make it too obvious.”
Meanwhile, Palestinian leaders expressed disappointment but admitted it might be time to stop waiting for heavenly intervention. “If God won’t take sides, maybe we’ll have to figure this out ourselves,” said one spokesperson, adding, “but only after Friday prayers.”
Theological Chaos Ensues
Religious scholars around the world are scrambling to interpret God’s comments. “This is unprecedented,” said one theologian. “It’s not every day you get a direct statement from the Almighty, let alone one that tells everyone to knock it off.”
Meanwhile, atheists celebrated the announcement as vindication. “We told you so,” said Richard Dawkins in a tweet that immediately sparked a 72-hour Twitter war.
What’s Next?
Despite God’s clarification, analysts expect the conflict to continue unabated. “People will ignore this statement like they ignore all inconvenient truths,” said one Middle East expert. “After all, the only thing stronger than faith is the ability to rationalize it.”
As the press conference wrapped up, God reportedly sighed and added, “I gave you free will for a reason. Stop making Me regret it.”
Disclaimer: This article is a work of satire produced by The Crustian Daily, the leading source for news you can’t trust (but should).