By Polly Tickle
In a bold move that has left hands across America either clasped in prayer or firmly in pockets, the Republican party has officially declared masturbation to be a form of abortion. This groundbreaking announcement came during a press conference that saw GOP leaders advocating for the rights of “unrealized citizens” in what has already been termed the “Great Unconceived Debate.”
“Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!” exclaimed one particularly fervent senator, paraphrasing a well-known philosophical treatise from the British documentary series, Monty Python. The statement was met with vigorous nodding and not-so-subtle glances to ensure personal compliance with the new moral directive.
Under this new guideline, measures are being considered to monitor and regulate this widespread activity, with proposals ranging from the installation of surveillance cameras in private residences, to mandatory cold showers for teenagers, and even state-sponsored abstinence-only education starting in kindergarten. “If we can save just one potential citizen from a tissue paper demise, then our job here is done,” declared another lawmaker, wiping his brow with what one hopes was a handkerchief.
Critics of the decision have called it “a stroke of madness” and “an overreach of hand,” arguing that such a policy could lead to mass hysteria, with millions of Americans potentially guilty of genocide on a nightly basis. “Next they’ll be saying my monthly visit from Aunt Flo is a crime scene,” lamented one exasperated protester, holding a sign that read, “Keep Your Laws Off My Body, And My Nights.”
In response to the uproar, the GOP has suggested a national “Buy Your Guy a Fleshlight” campaign, aimed at reducing the incidence of manual sin. “It’s like a nicotine patch but for your other addictive habits,” explained a spokesperson, who quickly clarified that they were, of course, referring to a friend.
The United Nations has yet to comment on the declaration, though insiders report a newly formed “Task Force on the Right to Privacy in Personal Pleasure” has been spotted in heated debate, presumably over who has to tackle the issue head-on.
As Americans grapple with this latest directive, sales of vintage Playboy magazines have skyrocketed, with citizens apparently seeking a loophole by arguing that it’s not masturbation if you’re doing it for the articles.
Tags: #GOP #MasturbationBan #Satire #UnrealizedCitizens
Category: Political Satire
Liv N. Large