Local Introvert Practices Open-Eye Meditation in Preparation for Christmas
Liv N. LargeWith the holiday season fast approaching, local introvert Jenna Harper has begun her annual ritual of open-eye meditation, a technique…
Read MoreThanksgiving Table Finally Breaks After Years of Supporting Generations of Emotional Baggage
In what some are calling a long-overdue collapse, the Johnson family’s Thanksgiving table, a 50-year-old oak relic, finally buckled under…
Read MoreTherapist Accidentally Fixes Client’s Anxiety by Canceling Session for the Fourth Time in a Row
In an unexpected twist that has left both professionals and patients baffled, a local therapist has inadvertently cured her client’s…
Read MoreOpinion: ‘The Best Part of Adult Friendships Is Pretending to Want to Meet Up Someday’
Let’s be honest for a moment: The best part of adult friendships isn’t the shared history, the inside jokes, or…
Read MoreVenom: The Last Dance – Symbiotic Swan Song or Just Another Sequel?
Venom and Eddie Brock return for a final showdown… or maybe just another messy makeout session. Hold onto your brains…
Read MoreDutch Doctor Shocks Scientists by Curing Death with Paracetamol
In a groundbreaking yet wildly controversial medical revelation, Dr. Hans Van Der Snuffelen, a Dutch physician, has purportedly cured death…
Read MoreLocal Teen’s Pregnancy Excuse Kick-starts New Religion
In a small town where nothing extraordinary ever happens, a local teen’s bizarre excuse for an unexpected pregnancy has ignited…
Read MoreParents Find Son Missing Since Start of Pandemic While Decluttering Basement
Springfield, IL — A local family made a shocking discovery this week after deciding to finally tackle their pandemic clutter:…
Read MoreAmerican Evangelicals Abandon Jesus After Actually Reading Bible, Still Claim to Be Christian
In what can only be described as a theological plot twist of biblical proportions, American Evangelicals are reportedly distancing themselves…
Read MoreLocal Woman Perfects Online Shopping Cart Without Ever Making a Purchase
Emma Driscoll, 32, has achieved what many consider the ultimate zen of online retail: the perfectly curated shopping cart, without…
Read MoreSecret to Immortality Discovered: Just Be Wealthy
A new report, published in the prestigious Journal of Things We Already Knew, reveals that individuals with vast fortunes are…
Read MoreAthletes Complain Paris Air Quality Worse Than Doping Side Effects
In a surprising turn of events, athletes competing in the upcoming Paris Olympics have voiced their concerns about the city’s…
Read MoreMan Claims ‘No Time for Gym,’ Spends Most Days Stoned on His Couch
In an astonishing revelation, local man Todd Mitchell, 32, has declared he has “no time for the gym,” citing his…
Read MoreWoman Accidentally Joins Zoom Book Club Meeting, Confuses Plot with Her Own Turbulent Love Life
Sarah Thompson, a woman known for her perpetually scattered state, accidentally sparked a heated discussion on toxic relationships, complicated family…
Read MoreTrump Takes Up Meditation to Cope with Kamala-Induced Stress
In a surprising and somewhat comical twist, Donald Trump has reportedly turned to meditation to manage his growing anxiety over…
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