Valedictorian Delivers Entire Graduation Speech in Emoji
Chip ByteleyIt was a graduation ceremony unlike any other at Wellington University. As valedictorian Sarah Jones took the stage, the usual…
Read MoreApple’s Rumoured AirTag 2 Set to Revolutionize the Stalking Industry
Polly TickleThe Crustian Daily has learned of rumors suggesting that Apple’s upcoming AirTag 2 will introduce groundbreaking features set to revolutionize…
Read MoreFuture iPhones to Automatically Delete Neglected Contacts
In a move guaranteed to either streamline your life or trigger an existential crisis about the fleeting nature of modern…
Read MoreScientists Announce Microplastics as the New Superfood: Part of Your Daily Detox!
In an unprecedented turn of events, scientists have discovered the latest addition to the health food craze: microplastics. These tiny…
Read MoreDublin-New York Omegle Experiment Reopens
After a hiatus marked by controversy and lewd behavior, the Dublin-New York portal has officially reopened, promising a renewed and…
Read MoreLocal Mom Saves Town from Economic Collapse by Actually Shopping Locally
In an extraordinary sequence of events, one local mother has effectively warded off an economic crisis in her small town…
Read MoreAirports Introduce ‘Security PreCheck’ for Those Who Donate to TSA
DominickThe Transportation Security Administration (TSA) appears to be taking airport security to a whole new (and highly questionable) level. Following…
Read MoreFarming Simulator ‘25 To Feature Disruptive Protesting
Get ready to ditch your plow and pick up a protest sign! The surprisingly popular Farming Simulator series is about…
Read MoreShein Research Clothes That Dissolve in Rain to Boost Sales
Forget poor quality or questionable labor practices. The latest controversy surrounding fast fashion giant Shein takes a bizarrely self-destructive turn.…
Read MoreTesco to Require Background Checks for Clubcard Loyalty Program
Tesco, the UK’s beloved grocery giant, has unveiled a shocking new addition to their iconic Clubcard loyalty program: mandatory background…
Read MoreArea Dad Achieves Peak Performance by Correctly Grilling Entire Pack of Hot Dogs on First Try
In a feat of backyard brilliance that sent shockwaves through the neighborhood, local dad, Tom Weber, cemented his status as…
Read MoreMicrosoft to Insert Ads into Your Powerpoint Presentations
In what could be hailed as the most innovative disruption to office productivity since the invention of the clip-on tie,…
Read MoreTokyo Zoo to Start Animal Borrowing Program for Pet-Less Homes
Get ready for Tokyo’s newest, cuddliest delivery service! In a move that’s both innovative and incredibly heartwarming, the Tokyo Zoo…
Read More“My Smart Home Hates Me”: When A.I. Goes Rogue and Your Toaster Judges You
When your house knows more about your preferences than you do, we’ve stumbled upon an inconvenient truth: artificial intelligence doesn’t…
Read MoreTinder Dating Algorithms To Match Users Based on Mutual Trauma
Tinder just got a whole lot more emotionally complex. In a move that’s either disturbingly brilliant or a sign of…
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